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Almost a month after I posted this I got a one line response with no salutation or sign off – how rude! – though there was a kind of backhanded apology.  Apparently he is actually paying a marketing company to break the law by sending Spam to Canada and display their idiocy by attempting to sell business insurance to a housewife.  So read on and enjoy.  Somehow I doubt they are going to send me the tickets for a jaunt to West Columbia.  Ah well………..a joy I shall just have to forego.

Original blog post: Yesterday I received an e-mail from Brad of an insurance company in West Columbia, South Carolina, USA telling me that my business insurance is about to expire and that he can help lower my costs and inviting me to have a meeting with his company to discuss it. This is my reply:

‘Dear Brad,

I can’t begin to express just how thrilled I was to see your spam….sorry enticing e-mail cluttering up my inbox. I am so touched that you wish to help me renew my apparently expiring business insurance and of course I will be completely delighted to discuss it with you. My business is quite complex: it involves cooking, cleaning, ironing, driving, sourcing, menu planning, consulting, budget control, diplomacy, scheduling, psychological counseling. I am also a mixologist (mixing and pouring drinks), massage therapist, designer, painter and decorator, garden design expert, vegetable market gardener, flower garden expert and I share responsibility for grass control. Oh and I am also a travel agent, book-keeper and car maintenance scheduler, including swapping the winter/summer tyres when needed. In the past I was responsible for child rearing and guidance but that portion of my business is no longer active so you can drop that one off the list when preparing your estimate. Eliminating that portion of my responsibilities has freed up real estate (bedrooms) and allows a lot more time for my favourite part of my job – sex therapist, both hands on and via texts depending on my ‘client’s location – work, travel for work, in the next room just to make him laugh.

As you can see all of these activities will require considerable insurance cover and I look forward to discussing them. I have been to South Carolina but not for a very long time and not to West Columbia in particular. I am willing to travel business class though of course I would prefer first. I prefer Marriott chain hotels though anything 5 star or above will do. A clothing and food allowance is probably a must as I will be traveling from Canada to attend the meeting that you have so kindly invited me to. I look forward to receiving my flight e-tickets from you, copy of the itinerary and confirmation of my hotel booking showing that you have paid for it. Oh and before I forget, something completely up your alley, I will obviously need travel health insurance as I am pretty sure the Ontario Health Insurance Provision won’t stretch to South Carolina. I am in good health and have no pre-existing conditions that I know of but I am 61 so some bits are beginning to show some wear and tear.

Will I have time to see the thrilling sights of West Columbia?

I await confirmation of my trip. ‘

So far…. silence. Yet yesterday he was so keen!

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Well ages ago I did have that op on my hernia and my baby faced surgeon did a wonderful job. I can’t tell you how good I felt as I woke up and that awful pressure was gone.

Meanwhile my young looking doctor (I’d love to hate him for that but he is rather sweet) tells me that even after all my weight loss I am fat. Sigh. I am in size four (US) jeans/skirts and medium tops and have lost two cup sizes to get down to a 36 or 38 D or DD cup bra depending on manufacturer. But being the good girl that I am, if an authority figure like my GP says I am fat, then I will and do jump back on the anorexia wagon. Stupid? Of course. Inevitable? Of course.

Alan is still back at Sears though we literally trust that from day to day. We know that they could axe again any time any where any how. AS long as his card swipes through as he enters the building we feel OK for the next 15 minutes.

OK to all you encouraging people/nagging friends? yes I will try to blog more often.

Getting hot here, mosquitoes out in force though Alan was the first to be bitten, he killed it so feels somewhat vindicated. Meanwhile I was a wicked wicked wicked Mummy yesterday. Alan woke up with a migraine – no not a hangover LOL – and had to go back to a dark bedroom with heavy duty drugs. The only thing he can do when it is this, is sleep. Suddenly the driveway alarm starts dinging and donging and dinging and donging because these idiots decided to park and pray or something right by the detector and it woke him out of a good deep sleep. I was ticked off!!!!

Convo:
Little old ladies getting out of each side of car

Me on deck

Me: ‘What do you want?”
Her: Isn’t it a lovely day
Me: It is, what do you want?
Her: So nice out here.
Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT!!!?
Her: We want to invite you to a party to celebrate Christ’s……
Me (interrupting): Are you Jehovah’s Witnesses?
Her: Umm yes
Me: You PROMISED ME PROMISED ME last year when I explained in a very distressed state that I
find your constant badgering to be harassment and you PROMISED me you would put me on a list and
I would not be bothered for at least 3 years and I was, as always for the past 13 years, very polite and said thank you and NOW you are back less that 6 months later?
Her: Ummm we didn’t know
Me: Well you should know. You have the list.
Her: Have we offended you in some way?
Me: YES. I am completely offended. You harass me on my own property, you cause my husband pain because he has a headache and has worked a very long week and is trying to sleep. I am completely offended by you, your belief system and your lies when you promised not to come back for 3 years. You are liars and as far as I am concerned a cult and from what I have heard peadophiles.
Her: Ummmm
Me: BUGGER OFF!!!!!!

Can’t believe I did that but I finally lost it and got so cross. I have no doubt I will now be inundated by JW callers or we will be blackballed by local companies because the JW have a lot of sway around here but boy… it felt GOOD!!