Almost a month after I posted this I got a one line response with no salutation or sign off – how rude! – though there was a kind of backhanded apology.  Apparently he is actually paying a marketing company to break the law by sending Spam to Canada and display their idiocy by attempting to sell business insurance to a housewife.  So read on and enjoy.  Somehow I doubt they are going to send me the tickets for a jaunt to West Columbia.  Ah well………..a joy I shall just have to forego.

Original blog post: Yesterday I received an e-mail from Brad of an insurance company in West Columbia, South Carolina, USA telling me that my business insurance is about to expire and that he can help lower my costs and inviting me to have a meeting with his company to discuss it. This is my reply:

‘Dear Brad,

I can’t begin to express just how thrilled I was to see your spam….sorry enticing e-mail cluttering up my inbox. I am so touched that you wish to help me renew my apparently expiring business insurance and of course I will be completely delighted to discuss it with you. My business is quite complex: it involves cooking, cleaning, ironing, driving, sourcing, menu planning, consulting, budget control, diplomacy, scheduling, psychological counseling. I am also a mixologist (mixing and pouring drinks), massage therapist, designer, painter and decorator, garden design expert, vegetable market gardener, flower garden expert and I share responsibility for grass control. Oh and I am also a travel agent, book-keeper and car maintenance scheduler, including swapping the winter/summer tyres when needed. In the past I was responsible for child rearing and guidance but that portion of my business is no longer active so you can drop that one off the list when preparing your estimate. Eliminating that portion of my responsibilities has freed up real estate (bedrooms) and allows a lot more time for my favourite part of my job – sex therapist, both hands on and via texts depending on my ‘client’s location – work, travel for work, in the next room just to make him laugh.

As you can see all of these activities will require considerable insurance cover and I look forward to discussing them. I have been to South Carolina but not for a very long time and not to West Columbia in particular. I am willing to travel business class though of course I would prefer first. I prefer Marriott chain hotels though anything 5 star or above will do. A clothing and food allowance is probably a must as I will be traveling from Canada to attend the meeting that you have so kindly invited me to. I look forward to receiving my flight e-tickets from you, copy of the itinerary and confirmation of my hotel booking showing that you have paid for it. Oh and before I forget, something completely up your alley, I will obviously need travel health insurance as I am pretty sure the Ontario Health Insurance Provision won’t stretch to South Carolina. I am in good health and have no pre-existing conditions that I know of but I am 61 so some bits are beginning to show some wear and tear.

Will I have time to see the thrilling sights of West Columbia?

I await confirmation of my trip. ‘

So far…. silence. Yet yesterday he was so keen!

Discovered this week that the sweetest sound in the world after the sound of your baby giggling or your husband snoring (and I mean that) is the  the hum of a fridge/freezer and the whoosh of a toilet flushing!

Power went out on Wednesday and did not come back until early this morning – today being Sunday.  No electricity for us means no running water so after hearing from Hydro how enormous the problem was and how long the outage was likely to be I had to check into a hotel. On my own on the Thursday, with Alan getting back from Toronto  and joining me on Friday evening.

Of course every cloud truly does have a silver lining. The Fairfield Inn includes a free continental breakfast. I don’t eat breakfast but I do like apple juice.  So down I went to the lobby and it was teeming with loads of very attractive men of all kinds of ages. They were wearing jackets with bright orange crosses on the back.  I asked one what that was for and he explained ‘So people can see us and not hit us as we work.’  I realised they were all Hydro One guys from all over Ontario here to fix the lines.  A pleasant view to start my day as I sipped my apple juice.  I did thank a table of them as I left to go back to my room. No, I didn’t thank them for the view nice though it was, I said thanks for the work and long hours they must have been doing to get us all back up and running.  Thus being polite and probably convincing them that this crazy little old white-haired lady had probably escaped from some secure facility somewhere.  There is something rather splendid about being an aging British eccentric, especially one with Canadian citizenship to boot.  A multi-national eccentric little old lady. Just enjoying the view.

Alan got back from his week in Toronto and fell into my arms.  OK maybe slightly.  OK maybe for a moment or so. There’s me wearing a smile, sexy underwear and Chanel Number 5 and what is Alan doing?  Studying the room.  It was a lovely room, very nice indeed, especially as they had upgraded me to a suite.

Alan:  “So …. that’s odd, I wonder why the wall steps out a tiny bit just there? And look, that floating kind of thing just below the ceiling…. to house water pipes maybe? Why not put them in the ceiling. The ceiling is nice. Flat and not that swirly stipple that was the norm a couple of decades ago.  I wonder what’s behind the space to the right of the TV/entertainment console….. Have you looked at the windows on the rooms that are at a right-angle to ours?  And then looked at the length of the corridor?  It seems out of kilter….. I wonder why they only have one sprinkler?”

 

I love him to bits but sometimes the man drives me crazy.

 

Though to give him credit he did soon appreciate the smile and so on 😉